Victoria’s Secret: A Complaint

Men tend to associate Victoria’s Secret with things that are not meant to be worn for more than the time it takes to take them off. The most curious item, of course, is the Fantasy Bra—this year’s is priced $12.5 million. Victoria’s Secret tells us that this “breathtaking bra features a delicate floral design rendered in 18-karat white gold with over 2,900 pave-set diamonds and 22 ruby gemstones.” In short, it gives a whole new meaning to the term “safe sex.”

Those of us for whom the Fantasy Bra will be forever safely out of reach, nevertheless expect to spend fantastical sums on seemingly ordinary and non-sexy items such as durable bras. One would think that you could get a normal bra at say a Target or a GAP, but the truth is that you really can’t. They sell crap that hardly holds together. So once in a while, I am forced to make a Victoria’s Secret run. I walk past the guys uncomfortably sitting by the thongs—or worse, helping the mentally challenged girls whom they’re sleeping with pick out their lacy bits….There ought to be a law…

After the breakdown of my sole strapless bra after five years of faithful service, I went to get a replacement only to find that the store sold no non-padded strapless bras. If you got it, flaunt it but no such luck in my case. And since I am not a communist determined on making that that was nothing everything, plain old bras are all I want and wear.

In the end, I was forced to get this padded bra, which so stuck out that I couldn’t wear the dress it was intended for. I am slowly getting used to it, though there was that uncomfortable episode in the movie theatre, when the evil bra created cleavage for popcorn to fall into—a problem to which I was previously a stranger. If I was not so lazy, I would write a complaint.